Dear Beth

Psychotherapy for Childhood Abuse

Dear Beth,

I'm confused. My sister and I were both abused by my father when we were children. My therapist says that in order to heal I have to forgive. My sister's therapist, in the States, says that you have to confront your parents to heal, even if it causes a huge ruckus and ends up on the front page or in court. Does anybody really know?

Beth answers: I do not believe that anybody can know how another person should handle a matter like this. It depends on the particular circumstances, your values, and your preferences. In addition to the options you have mentioned, some people confront their parents and forgive them; some people decide to do neither. Some people withdraw from the offending party or from their whole family. The key to finding peace is to consider all the angles that matter to you, and to make a decision that you can feel comfortable with. I would take someone's ability to thoughtfully make these decisions for herself as a sign that she is healing.

This having been said, I would caution anyone who is contemplating doing something that could start a fight to first think carefully about what the results might be.